Here we go again

I just got done watching a great movie called Elizabethtown. Now my emotions are all mixed up. I'm convinced I need to just get in the car and go as far as I can go. I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. What am I doing with my life? I know life cna change in a split second. Never had I imagined life would be like this. I never saw myself living in Sioux Falls doing what I'm doing. I want something more. I want something better. The only thing that tsops me is money. It's just crazy. Money money money. I don't want to go into work tomorrow. No one really wants to work do they? I'm going so that someday I can finally pay off my debts. I'm going to get these credit cards paid off. I feel if I get those paid off then I can finally be free. This feeling that I'm feeling right now is hard to describe. I don't even know what I'm saying. I talked to my mom today. I had to fight back tears when I told her about my day last week when I cried and missed Watertown and wanted to pack up and move home. She asked why? I told her it was just a bad day. She said we all have them and to hang in there because this is a good paying job and will get me ahead. I wish I could go back to school. But once again money. I wish I could travel the world. Money. I don't know what I want out of life. I guess I just want to be happy. I don't know if I feel that way now. I guess it flucuates. One minute I'm fine the next, tears are streaming down my face. I want to live in a home that's close enough to a town for basic necessities but has the feeling of being secluded from the world. THat's the only thing I've ever been certain about my entire life. I crave it more than anything.

It's gonna be a good day just wait and see...

I keep trying to remind myself of that. It get's hard to do that somedays. Well let me tell you about my day. Today I woke up was feeling fine and then all of a sudden I just cried and cried and cried. Tears flowed like Niagra Falls I couldn't stop them. I miss Watertown a lot. I realize that if I went back I'd have to be closeted. That's never really bothered me until now. I complain about not having a boyfriend but in Watertown I'd never have one. I don't think I could live like that. I must say if there was a good paying job I'd move back in a heartbeat though. I should have stayed in Watertown after graduation and just went to Lake Area. I think I would be a lot happier. But who really knows. I almost quit today. I'm very happy my supervisor wasn't there today had she been she would've asked me how I was, and I would have lost it. Like my good friend Barry said. I've nothing to fall back on. Once at work I was fine. There's always going to be ups and downs with a job. So I have to tell myself to deal with it. I don't know why but I always get scared before going to work. Once at work it's all fine. By the way I'm very lucky to have the job still. I've called in 3 times in the last 3 weeks. It's horrible and like Barry said feeling guilty is only adding feelings to my plate which is already full. I must admit that kind of made me pissy but he's right. Him and Tom only want me to succeed and not sabotage myself. I appreciate all they done for me by being my "online friends". They'll never know how much they've helped me. I talked to my mom's friend Tina today at work. She helped me get the job. I thank her for that. I told her how I felt today. I'm working tomorrow ot from 1130-230 and then we both get off at the same time so we're going to do a late lunch. She's going to have a heart to heart with me. Which is good she's like my substitue me-maw as she calls my mom. It'll be good to talk about it. For now I'm not going to give up. I'm flying on my own and I've learned a lot. I don't want to throw all that away. Sometimes it's scary and sometimes freedom sucks but it's part of life. Perhaps someday I can move back to Watertown and be comfortable. For right now I've got to do what I have to do. I have to live. It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be.... Thanks Jewel hehe

Jewel's new single!!

So Jewel's next single is said to be realeased to radio on February 27th. Although it's been getting airtime already in parts of California. Luckily a friend from www.jewelkilcherforum.com was nice enough to send me the mp3. I love piracy! The single is titled "Again and Again. I ablsolutely love it. I think it's got good potential of becoming a hit as well. Something that doesn't matter to us die hard fans but would be nice for Jewel. Also if you haven't already checked it out Jewel made a video for "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland". The title track of her new album to be released May 2nd. Please go to Yahoo or Mtv or even Vh1 and check it out. It's great. She made the video because it's 6 minutes long and the radio wouldn't touch it because of the length. I promise you won't be disappointed. If you don't like Jewel fine. Whatever. If you don't like her because of her teeth you are a shallow piece of shit. Well with that said have a nice day. Please also check www.jewelkilcherforum.com for more news on her coming album.

A good cry

It feel so damn good to cry. I just had a good chat with a friend. He's helped me a lot. Because of him I feel I've come a long way. I havent' cried in ages and just having that nice chat made me. It feels so good every once in while to bawl your eyes out. So thanks friend(you know who you are).

This one's for the girls...

The only decent song I've hear on the radio all day. Damn cheesy love songs. Well today is Valentine's Day. Of course I'm single, but oh well. I'm 21 years old and I haven't dated anyone in my life. I've hooked up a few times and I'll regret that the rest of my life. Not that anything bad happened. I just felt like a whore afterwards. Well today I took myself to King Kong. It wasn't that bad as everyone had told me. The end with the ape and the girl on top of the Empire State Building was a bit too much. I'm deathly afraid of heights even if I see it on a movie. Well after that my old friend Chris from SDSU was in town and he's never been to Annabelle's so I took him to show him where it's at. Could I be any bigger of a loser. Oh and I had to pick him up at the mall and guess where he wanted me to meet him. At the fucking GAP. Everytime I go into a store like that I get all depressed because I can't fit into any of their shit. So what did I turn to. Pizza and little debbie. My second day of my diet failed horribly. There's always tomorrow. I bought myself a home docking kit for my satellite radio so I'll finally be able to hear Richard's show. I should call in too. He would be some great motivation again. I was to embarassed to last Sunday when they wanted me to call in and do a follow up. Back then I had willpower now I don't have that much. You'd think I'd learn not to overeat cuz everytime I do I feel like shit but oh no. Just keep going. Well Valentine's Day sucks. But I'm trying to stay hopeful. I know how fast lives can change. So I'm hopign mine changes quickly. I think I may have found out what I want in life too and that alone is a pretty big accomplishment in my opinion.

Rhinestone shirts and Dolfin shorts...

That's right ladies and gentleman, Richard Simmons is returning back into my life. Starting tomorrow (February 13th , 2006) I'm going back on my diet. I have a feeling this is going to be one rough week. Tonight when I get enough motivation which shouldn't be too long since nobody is online I'm going to make out my menu for tomorrow. I figure for supper from now on until my schedule changes at work (who knows if it ever will) I'll probably be having salads for supper. I figure I won't be home until around 10 pm and since I don't get up until 11 am it's probably good to eat a big lunch which I can have time to burn off and then a light dinner that way I'm not sleeping with a bunch of calories in me. Maybe a nice salad loaded with veggies and a little chicken before bed. I know this is going to be hard but I'm trying to tell myself how good it felt when I lost those 30 plus lbs which I'm sure I've gained probably over half back. I had some major willpower. Tomorrow I have to start posting in the clubhouse again(richard's members thing on his site) to get motivated and keep on track. I got an email from them this past week they wanted me to call into his radio show today. I didn't because I would have been embarassed. It probably would have done me good though. Well if you read this and you talk to me keep wishing me luck I'll need it.

That damn car

So last night I was coming home from work. I was driving on the interstate when all of a sudden my brakes were out. No one was that close in front of me and I was able to get home safely. I called Al's Auto the closest place to my house and I've been there before a few months back when he fixed my heater. I was able to drive there safely. I took a cab back which sucked but hey it's a cab. They take forever to pick you up. So I planned ahead this time, you see he closes at five so if he doesn't call me by four I'm calling him to see if it's done that way I can get a cab there before he closes and can get my car tonight. Last time I had to wait an extra day because I didn't have a ride and the cab wouldn't have made it in time. It's going to cost me around 400 dollars he said it was 170 for the front and if I wanted the back done (which he said I could use prolly for another month) it would be about 100 more. I just got my income tax this morning and told him to fix it all. So I'm figuring with labor and everything around 400 hopefully it'll be less. I still owe my mom 190 for the heater. Then I hope to get a new queen bed. We'll see how that goes.

What's wrong with me?

Everyday I sit here before work and I just start getting anxious. I get scared about work and I have to tell myself not to call in. I don't know what's going on with me? Is it just because I'm new and I still feel like I don't know the ropes or what?

Masen John Person

born by c-section at 3:45 am on February 7, 2006. Ten lbs 7oz. I'm going down to see him today. I'm finally an uncle. I can't believe it. EEk I spelled it wrong at first so I just changed it.

Now this I can agree with

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by

Hmm I beg to differ

Get Your Drunk Personality at LiquidGeneration.com!

Adventures in Watertown

Well I had decided Thursday night that I would go home to Watertown for the weekend. I thought it would be nice for my last weekend off to go visit family and friends. Friday night I ended up getting home and saying hi to mom and leaving to go out to eat with my friend Michelle. We decided to go to Applebee's and man was it good. I had a bananaberry drink. It was very tasty had rum in it I think. After that we decided to go uptown to our block of bars. So we went to the atm to get some cash out. I had one drink mind you one drink and I could not remember my atm pin that I've had ever since I was around 16 or 17. So I got rejected. So then we headed to another Wells Fargo atm. I then remembered it. It was a fun night sort of. Michelle got choked by this psycho bitch who started coming up to the pool table she was at and just thought hey I'll grab a stick and start shooting whosever balls these are. Then psycho bitch's bf came up after Michelle was being choked and told michelle not to fuck with his woman. We wanted to kill them. We had Michelle's boyfriend take us home. So we were all safe. The next day I spent with mom. We went to Wal-mart to get a few things and after we were done I said we should have stopped at subway. We decided to go to the kfc/tacobell. It took forever to get our food and the inside was quite dirty. We'll never do that again we decided. I then asked mom if she would go with me to visit my paternal grandmother. She said she would go with me for a nice chat. We spent two hrs with Grandma she was working on geneaology and it was very wonderful to talk about that with her. She's always said she's leaving me all that because I'm the only one who's ever been interested in the family by it. Silently in my head I thought hmm I better work fast at getting the lesbians pregnant so I have somebody to pass it on to. Haha. Then my stepdad took us out to eat. Well later that night I called Michelle and Mollie and we all went out to the bars again. That was funner than the night before. I met Blaine who I've known since sixteen but never met in real life. I think we were into each other but little shy me never does anything. We went out to eat after the bar at 2 and Mollie called on my cell phone and Blaine and I were in his truck and he heard Mollie on my phone saying why haven't you made out yet? I said probably because he's driving. He then got quiet and it was a little awkward. Oh well stuff happens. Well that's my adventures this weekend. I'm now home. Goodbye for now.

Pity Party

This is a lovely shade of blue. Much of what I've felt today. I'm thinking it's because I'm embarassably(is that a real word?) broke. Today I called in which made me feel bad because I wasn't sick, I just wanted to stay home and have a pity party for myself. Hey like you've never played hookey! I was extremely bored today. Mostly went on the internet and couldn't find anything to do there so I just went to bed and slept. I probably won't sleep much tonight. Tomorrow is back to work. I just have to work tomorrow then I'll have the weekend off work Monday and have Tuesday off. Oh well. Gotta work if you wanna get paid. I'm going to cut this short tonight. I can't seem to think of anything to write about.

Grab a chair and make yourself at home...

I have a feeling this is going to be a long one. Well let's start with yesterday as I forgot to write an entry. Well it was a long ass day at work because I decided to work two hours later for a little overtime. I got off work and forgot that I needed to call my mom so she could transfer money from my account to the student loan account. Usually I do this every month but last month my stepdad threw a fit for me going under my mom's account and being able to see all their information and shit like that. Mind you it's the only way I can pay my student loan so how the hell else can I do it. Well my mom was just like yeah yeah go ahead and do it. Well stupid me transfered it to the wrong account so that was a mess. Right now my account is all f-d up until it gets fixed probably tonight at midnight or so. So I'll be late on that. Oh well shit happens. I'm pretty broke I have to pay back my parents for the money they loaned me to get my car fixed a while back. I'll get them paid back on Monday hopefully. I also hope to get my income tax refund back soon. That will help a lot. Ok now for today let's see not much happened I worked and came home and took a nap. My computer was being a vagina and wouldn't cooperate with me until now. Last night after my whole ordeal with the bank I got the 555 deal at Dominoes. I've gained 10lbs back from the 35 I recently lost. I need to get back on track. Sir Richard Simmons would not be proud.(By the way I've talked to him twice on his sirius show) So when I get some money to go grocery shopping I'll have to get some good stuff and get back on it. I was doing so good and now it all went down the shitter real fast. I was watching antiques roadshow the other night. I've got this painting I've been in love with since a child. It was my grandmother's she gave it to me when I first moved into a place of my own. It's an original oil painting of a conquistador(I just found out that word the other night, thanks to grandma) I'm convinced it's going to make me rich someday. I hope. Then I can get a ranch like I've always wanted. But will probably won't have like live animals on it. If I do get rich I'll probably go back to school. Just to say I have a degree. Probably in German. Then I'll go to Germany and move back to the U.S and build a ranch in Alaska. That's my goal. Enough rambling today. Goodbye